The Best & Worst of Canada

Summary:
Canada has produced world-class inventions, athletes, businesses, musicians, films and actors. We admit there were a few duds, too.




You can imagine the enemy seeing this on a battle flag and screaming:

Oh noes! They’ve got beavers and dolphins on their side! RETREAT!

But seriously, Canada has produced some of the best damn people and stuff in the world. Yet many Canadians don’t appreciate some of the greatest things about their own country. We blather:

Canada is soooo beautiful and Canadians are just soooo polite and nice!

Well la-dee-dah.

Let’s get to the remarkable stuff:

Inventions

Did you know that Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone in Canada? Okay, that one’s easy — you knew that even if you slept through history class.

Around the same time, Canadian James Naismith invented the sport of basketball. White men can’t jump, but we created basketball. Go figure.

Fast-forward about one century, and Research In Motion followed-up Bell by creating the most spectacular smart phone ever made: the BlackBerry.

The old and new BlackBerry mascots. I’m undecided which is better.

Wouldn’t it blow your mind if the person in picture 1 removed the costume to reveal that she is the woman in picture 2?! That would be an awesome marketing stunt for a product-launch party.

I have no idea why I’m not paid millions when I come up with ideas like this.

Athletes

Every Canadian has hockey sticks in their veins, so I don’t need to mention all of the incredible Canadian hockey players.

But don’t forget that Steve Nash was named basketball’s most valuable player twice.

And Georges St. Pierre is arguably the best mixed martial artist in the world and the best Canadian athlete in history.

Business

Canadian industry boasts the world’s largest makers of railway equipment (Bombardier) and frozen foods (McCain’s).

My family’s heritage is linked to the McCain’s. I didn’t actually do anything to help create the McCain empire, but I like to bask in the reflected glory nonetheless.

Music

Canada produced The (underrated) Tea Party and Bryan Adams.

With the good comes the bad, so we apologize for Celine Dion. (I was once forced¹ to attend a Celine Dion concert. The whole time she was singing, I was praying for a sniper — either her or me, it wouldn’t have mattered.)

Please forgive us as well for The Tragically Lame — Oops, typo. I mean The Tragically Hip. It’s doubly embarrassing that The Lame come from my home town, Kingston.

Above: Sister Awake by The Tea Party.

Films

James “Each page of my screenplay is worth 9 million dollars”² Cameron is from Canada.

And we’ve got great (looking) actors like Pamela Anderson and Keanu Reeves.

“Money is the last thing I think about,” said Mr. Generous. “I could live on what I have already made for the next few centuries.”

I know the feeling, Keanu. I could live on what I have already made for the next few… hours at least.

I haven’t heard any stories of Reeves giving money to writers who make complimentary remarks about his munificence (I used a thesaurus to find a synonym for generosity), and his defined features (cool hair, too, dude!), but one can hope.

If you haven’t yet seen it, check out the first world-class film that I’ve seen Canada produce: Atom Egoyan’s Sweet Hereafter.

It’s somber but powerful.

Diversity

Perhaps most unique among our country’s distinctions, Canada might be the most successfully diverse country in the world: People of different ethnicity mostly get along well with each other here.

I went to the University of Waterloo, where I had to ask most of my classmates how to pronounce their last names. And today I live in Markham, which is one of the most richly-diverse communities in the world.

Finally, modesty nearly prevented me from mentioning this, but — for the sake of Canadian historical accuracy — I would be remiss if I didn’t add that I invented the concept of using multi-monitors on a computer. I did this just before Al Gore invented the internet.

What do you love about Canada that I didn’t mention here?

1. At gunpoint, obviously. [↩]
2. Kevin’s back-of-the-envelope calculation. [↩]

Tagged as: Al Gore, Alexander Graham Bell, Atom Egoyan, basketball, BlackBerry, Bombardier, Bryan Adams, Canada, Celine Dion, James Cameron, James Naismith, Keanu Reeves, Kid Rock, Markham, mascot, McCain's, Pamela Anderson, Research In Motion, RIM, Steve Nash, telephone, The Matrix, The Sweet Hereafter, The Tea Party, The Tragically Hip, University of Waterloo